I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
