from now on my penis is your penis
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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