I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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