he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
