please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
if i died would you start the facebook group?
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
He told me they were just razor bumps!
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Randomize