i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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