I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Randomize
