I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize