i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
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