and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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