Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I think your dad took our porno
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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