Your mouth is God's brothel.
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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