My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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