there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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