It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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