She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
