He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
