ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Randomize
