First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
