whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
My vagina just recognized that song.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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