They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
oh god the rape fog is back!
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
