dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize