I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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