The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
