for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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