A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
He shit in the fireplace
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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