My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
