Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
