i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
