I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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