Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Randomize
