hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
It's official drugs can't kill me
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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