I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
there is glitter all over my balls
Randomize
