I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
