I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
