Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
