I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize