If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
That's how pantless uber rides happen
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
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