your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Randomize
