It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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