high people should be assigned attendants
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
