I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
