the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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