8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
