I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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