Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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