Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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