i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Help. Why am I so naked?
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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