She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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