i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
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