is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize