You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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