i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Randomize
