im drinking this country out of the recession.
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
