fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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