There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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