I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
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