Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
