just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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